Enclosed is your 1997 United States Internal Revenue Service TaxForm 1040-ES OCR: \'Estimated Tax for Self-Employed Individuals\'. Youmay use this form to estimate your 1997 fiscal year tax <i>if</i>:

1. You are head of a household <i>and</i> the sum of the ages ofyour spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (seeSchedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use SupplementarySchedul 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property.)

2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) <i>and</i> you did not pay taxable interest on dividen income prior to 1903.

3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a \'foreign\'tax credit. (Warning: claiming a foreign tax credit for a foreign \'tax\'credit, except where a foreign \'tax credit\' is involved, may result ina fine of $125,000 and 25 years\' imprisonment.)

4. You are one of the following: married and filing jointly; marriedand not filing jointly; not married and not filing; jointed but notfiling; other.

Type all answers with a number two lead pencil. Do not crossanything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell\'miscellaneous\'. Werite your name, address and social security number,and the name, address and social security numbers of your spouse anddependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a boxmarked \'cross\' or a cross in a box marked \'tick\' unless it is your wishto do the whole thing again. Do not write \'Search me\' in any blankspaces. Do not make anything up.

Complete sections 47 to 52 first, then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do <i>not</i>use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements weregreater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.

Under \'income\', list all wages, salaraies, net foreign sourcetaxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capitalgains, air miles, pints pain on, and money found down the back of thesofa. If your earnings are divided wholly, or partially but notprimarily, or wholly <i>and</i> partially but not primarily, fromother countries other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIALeaflet 212W, \'Countries That Are Not The United States\') <i>or</i> your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on nontaxable net disbursements, you <i>must</i> include a Grantor/Transferror Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of £1,500,000 and seizure of a child.

Under Section 890F, list total farm income (if none, give details). If you were born after 1 January 1897, and are <i>not</i>a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryoverfigures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeysslaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net grossdividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total numberof steps in your home, and enter on line 356d.

On SCedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Includeall electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D, but do notinclude electrical or non-electrical items not listed on SupplementaryForm 243d.

Under \'Personal Expenditures\', itemize all cash expenditures of morethan $1, and include verification. If you have had dental work <i>and</i>you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enteryour show sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes. (Right footonly.) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants forthe production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for homeconsumption) and okra <i>whether or not</i> you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.

If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living athome but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly everthere <i>and</i> you are not claiming exemption for leases of maritimevessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes dead-weight (15,000 tonnes if youwere born in Guam), you <i>must</i> complete and include a MaritimeVessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of$111,000,000 and a buclear attack on a small, neutral country.

On pages 924-926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you knowpersonally who are Communist or use drugs. (Use extra pages ifnecessary.)

If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities,bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instrumentsbut <i>do</i> not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules112d and 112f and enclose all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs atthis time.) Includ, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mininginvestmentsm commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide bythe total number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in anyremaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.

To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deductlines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% ofaverage alternative minimum estimated tax for the last five years),multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice,and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In thespace marked \'Tax Due\', write a very large figure.

Make your cheque payable to \'Internal Revenue Service of the UnitedStates of America and to the Republic for Which It Stands\', and markfor the attention of Patty. On the back of your cheque write yoursocial security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax CodeAudit Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (<i>unless</i> you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference, and send to::

Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America
Tax Reception and Orientation Center
Building D/Annexe G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001

If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance withyour return, phone 1-800-BUSYSIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous1998. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walkto the cooler.

© Bill Bryson